


this is not a party

by thegreatmoon



Series: glitterbug [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Dialogue Heavy, Drinking, M/M, Mentions of Smut, Moon Taeil-centric, Party, Tsundere Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, but if you get unconfortable heads up!, for like two lines?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-06 02:48:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20499611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegreatmoon/pseuds/thegreatmoon
Summary: “are you leaving so soon? moon taeil, the heart of parties?”“hardly the heart of parties.”“when you are drunk, yes.”“i wasn’t the heart of the last party.”; taeil is the only sober person in this rave-like party, or at least he thinks so, until he meets the only person he didn't want to see: kim doyoung





	this is not a party

**Author's Note:**

> hey! this is another work for my glitterbug series. the concept for this series is basically taeil one shots based on the wombat’s glitterbug album ^-^ hope you like this one, it’s based on [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1r3QL8NHZM). it might have mentions to other the wombats songs,,, but you didn't hear it from me, a die-hard the wombats fan 
> 
> thanks Nina for betaing and putting up with my endless taeil rants 
> 
> xx  
sol

There was a party happening in the forest late at night and Taeil observed everyone while in silence.

He couldn’t quite tell when was the right time to break his lonely, non-talking existence. The moment had probably gone by a long time before. When Jungwoo suggested doing this “sick” haircut on Lucas and the other boy agreed, Taeil considered speaking his mind, but he knew no one would pay any attention to his warning, so he just let them be. He doubted Jungwoo could see, dizzy eyes almost shut, but Lucas seemed rather pleased with the result for the moment. Later on, Jaemin joined the line for another “even sicker” haircut, as if one wasn’t enough.

Taeil watched as Yuta would come onto every person he could touch. He shouldn’t be surprised, it was a common joke between their group of friends that Yuta had a lack of standards and that was further proved when the red haired got to the biggest buzz killer at the party to offer him a blowjob. Taeil didn’t even have the time to refuse the invitation before Ten dragged Yuta from there, claiming he didn’t know what he was saying or even who he was talking to. The buzz killer was left in silence, to continue observing that grand spectacle. He almost wished he had brought his phone with him so he could take a picture. Never in a million years did he consider to grace such scene. All of his friends shitfaced drunk, in the middle of a badly lit party in a forest, screaming the lyrics of a song from their childhood years that Johnny had sneaked on the playlist.

There were some honorable mentions: Kun trying to drag Sicheng to the woods as the previous was tired of that party, Jaehyun shirtless in the middle of the crowd, showing his belly button proudly and having lost all self control, Yuta coming onto Mark for the third time that night and Haechan banging his head as fast as a heartbeat were some of which Taeil could register. He felt like his senses were being knocked out with so much information to comprehend at the same time. Why did Michelangelo ever waste his time on that Mary sculpture when true art laid on that twenty first century young adult packed dark forest all along?

It wasn’t a completely obscure setting. Taeyong and Johnny had come earlier and made sure to put fake torches all around the small party circle. The light of the torches wasn’t enough, and shadows were seen all over their makeshift dance floor. Taeil had never noticed how dark the parties were before. He had been there previously and Johnny and Taeyong always put the torches on the same place. It looked like he had just acquired black and white vision, as compared to the last time partying in the forest. Colors were as livid and bright as neon when his blood turned electric due to alcohol.

Standing by the tree, alone in his quietness, he felt himself a character of those boring noir movies who would make him sleep. The main character was always looking for something physical that would embody his spiritual quest. Taeil wished things were as dumb and metaphorical as main characters in noir movies had them be. Instead, he just stood by the tree, enjoying his existence as the only completely sober human form in a ten miles raid.

Paradoxical was too easy a word to say how being sober made him more and less perceptive at the same time. When drunk, he felt more alive, the coldness of the forest surrounding him like a breath of life, his friends warmth all the protection he needed. He would feel instant shots of happiness and joy, making him giggle at every small thing. The fresh, cold smell of the woods at night would fill his nostrils. And vodka had never tasted sweeter even if his tongue knew how bitter a taste it was. He had not, however, ever noticed Yuta’s whereabouts, even if he had heard about it a lot in group chats. He had never experienced Kun and Sicheng fighting for the millionth time over staying in the party or fucking in a bush somewhere. Taeil had briefly heard about all those episodes and more, as Ten would expose them on their group chat, which unfortunately had more pictures of him passed out than he’d like, and it would become a common joke or meme across the group. Taeil had never noticed how messy it was. This might have been a party while he was drunk, but analyzing it sober, it was a damn hurricane.

He couldn’t afford to be dragged into it that night. Taeil had to stay on land. He had to do something, find a safe place so he wouldn’t be dragged to Kansas like they all were. He looked at Hyuck briefly, who caught his eyes, and pointed to a path in the woods. Hyuck nodded and kept banging his head to the music. Taeil could vanish and his friend wouldn’t worry.

He took one last look at his friends, crazy drunk in the middle of the forest, living what they probably considered to be at the top of their youth, and felt a little smile curling on his lips. He wished he was in the same mood as them, but instead just went ahead on to the small path on the forest, guided by torches and his yellow flashlight.

Taeil never described the night as dark. He was surprised when reading books or listening to people when they did so. He had always seen the night as yellow, more yellow than day. The day was blue, like the sky. But night, she didn’t need the sky for her color. The earth colored it yellow from lightbulbs, fireplaces, the moon itself. To even consider the moonshine as white was a criminal felony. The nightlight was the yellow light in the dark. The night was Taeil’s favorite color and no one would convince him otherwise.

He kicked some small rocks as he walked down the path, enjoying being able to listen to the sound of them splattering around the ground. The loud music and his friends screams were starting to slowly become fading sounds in the background. It was hard to completely run away from it, since they were in the middle of nowhere. Taeil had to walk for a while before turning his brain off from his friends’ existence and enjoy being alone. He had been alone all party long but he never had the chance to properly enjoy it. Listening to his own thoughts, his steps on the humid ground, the pure smell of the forest, with no marijuana or alcohol mixed to it, that was what being alone was all about, rather than being the lonely ghost by the tree, doing nothing, merely absorbing everything.

The path he followed was very narrow at first. Trees that stopped the yellow light from spreading into its domains would roam over Taeil. He would hear a small sound from time to time, wonder if those were insects, a small animal or perhaps something else, but would move on. The smell of eucalyptus and fresh air would power him through his fears of the unknown. At that moment, the known was safer and yet it was slowly killing him. Some people could enjoy a safe death, but he wasn’t like them.

The forest’s path slowly started opening and the big, tall trees, even if still there, were much more distant and straight to their territory. He felt less like in Snow White’s horrid dark forest in which trees would go for her beautiful dress and much more like in an open field, where he could observe the night sky along with nature. Taeil knew it was coming to an end. He had never been there before, but Taeyong and Johnny had given the place a look over before they designated it as their party place. Johnny had even mapped it himself.

Taeil had reached the peak of the small hill, where he could behold the rest of the forest from the top. There was a fence, so no one would fall over, something people are more likely to do when drunk. Taeil thought of sitting next to it and observing the forest and the sky. His head was held high to watch the yellow moon and its grey clouds so that he only noticed the human form sitting to said fence when it was already too late for him to turn back. He couldn’t quite recognize who it was. Maybe a drunk Xiaojun drunkenly singing a lullaby while staring at the forest under his feet? That was very like him. Taeil didn’t have the chance to guess, the sound of his steps alerted the person of his presence and he soon turned his head: “Oh I’m sorry-you.”

Moonlight struck his face and yellow was too light a tone to describe how it colored his features. His eyes looked directly at Taeil’s direction. Even so far away, Taeil still knew he was looking at his face. He was never one to be afraid of facing things directly. He was never afraid of anything in Taeil’s eyes.

“Yes. Me. How unfortunate.” He replied, the snarky commentary slipping from his lips easily.

Doyoung shook his head and returned to staring the forest on the hill. “Not unfortunate, just surprising.”

There was silence after that. A silence that made Taeil feel the forest’s cold as sharp blades against his skin. The sound of the occasional brush of leaves or cicadas singing was excruciating and not loud enough to take his attention away from the man in a black leather jacket, sitting casually on the top of a cliff, with a lit joint between his lips.

Taeil didn’t know what he had meant. He never understood what Doyoung meant and his own reassuring necessities always got dizzy with Doyoung either praising him very vocally or being way too vague. He was almost turning left, following the path deep into the forest, and even took a step in that direction, making a loud noise in that silent night. The seated man turned his head once again, not looking very impressed. Doyoung never was. “Are you leaving so soon? Moon Taeil, the heart of parties?”

Not knowing where to stand, the brown haired merely huffed. Doyoung was the last person he had wanted to meet and yet there they both were, away from everyone else and pathetically sober. Funny how feet sometimes lead you to the place the heart least wants to be. He wasn’t sure if he should continue to follow the path or stand there awkwardly. Both options were far more interesting than getting one step closer to Doyoung, even if the small rocks under his sneakers were starting to get uncomfortable. “Hardly the heart of parties.”

“When you are drunk, yes.” Doyoung replied, a Cheshire Cat smile appearing on his lips. It had brought with it a wave of anxiety to Taeil’s heart.

_Taeil hanging against a tree. Holding his jacket close. The leather touch was always something he despised, why was he wearing that? Small tears forming on his eyes. Donghyuck helping him through a small out of breath crisis. He had seen Yuta and screamed happily at his friend. He was back against a tree, trying to breathe. The night was yellow but it also happened in flashes. _

“I wasn’t the heart of the last party.”

If the current party was a hurricane, the last one had taken them straight to the heart of Oz. Taeil, who was once the sweet Dorothy, had become the Wicked Witch of the West and he was not proud of it, not one little bit. The first thing he did the next morning, after drinking loads of water and making sure his headache would go away, was to call Taeyong and ask how bad was he. Hearing the truth sometimes hurt more than playing ignorant, but it was important to be done.

“It happens sometimes.” Doyoung commented, nonchalantly. He was wearing a big classic coat, that, even if Taeil couldn’t see as his feet were hanging on the cliff, were probably down to the knee. Doyoung was always one for the classic darker tones and his dark red scarf would account to that, along with his black hair. He was the perfect lord for that night, while Taeil was basically dressed as a high schooler, wearing a big grey hoodie and jeans. Every game there was to be played, Doyoung would win.

“Don’t need your pity.” Taeil shot back. The last thing he wanted at that moment was to talk to that lord and be blessed with his compassion.

“I was stating a fact.” He simply said. Even if among people, Doyoung was a social butterfly, Taeil had known him for the few words when alone. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk more, but Taeil liked to think because he didn’t have to sustain an act he allowed himself to say fewer words and let the rest for Taeil’s interpretation and questioning. He said just enough for what he believed could be comprehended. The last time they had talked it hadn’t made much sense…

_That night was especially yellow. The trees were rounding around Taeil non stop, like a Ferris Wheel. His throat was closing. He had a nice talk with him before. They had fun. They made fun of other people. They were among other people. Their friends. Whatever you could call them. Why wouldn’t he touch him? Why wouldn’t he kiss him? He needed Hyuck. Where was Hyuck? _

“So?” Doyoung’s sharp question had snapped Taeil out of his thoughts.

“What?”

Taeil couldn’t know for sure, too far and too dark to be certain, but he could almost sense Doyoung had rolled his eyes at the question. Always so condescending when he wanted. “Are you leaving?”

Were he more confident of himself he would have laughed and excused himself with an ironic remark. A series of unfortunate events didn’t leave him on his best of nights.

Did Doyoung want him to leave? It surely looked so. Taeil wouldn’t back off so easily. He had finally found paradise after enduring that party for hours. He could go on the path and find another piece of heaven, but that was too much trouble. Or perhaps, Doyoung wanted him to stay? The dark haired man was always someone hard to read, but it was even worse when all Taeil had to catch his expressions were the moonlight and some torches. He finally decided to take a step further and see where his feet would lead him. It wouldn’t hurt so much. It wasn’t like they could avoid each other forever, taking into account they were in the same circle of friends.

“No, taking some air. It’s a hurricane in there.” While speaking, he walked to his direction and accommodated himself on the grass next to him, but with a good amount of distance for him not to be too thrilled by the ghost of his touch or his extended aura. He could see Doyoung looked extremely relaxed, not a single sign of a frown on his face. He belonged there, among shadows and trees, a realm of darkness. The forest had found their prince.

Taeil slowly put his feet out, placing them below the fence, trusting he wouldn’t fall for miles to meet the continuation of the forest and his death. It made him a little breathless to have his feet hanging at pure air, knowing the next land laid hundreds of miles below. Not like he had other things to worry about that night…

“It always is. You’re just never sober to see it.” Doyoung replied, the judgment in his tone could be perceived by every creature to hear the conversation, were they shadows, nymphs or the man he attacked with his soft voice.

“Well, you’re hardly ever sober too.” Taeil shot back, staring straight at the only point of light other than the moon and the torches: Doyoung’s small joint, hanging on his left hand. The young lord smiled and took a big smoke, probably just to spite the other one even more. Fortunately, he knew the line enough to not exhale the dune on Taeil’s face or else, there would probably be a body lying at the end of the hill they stood.

“Weed is not the same as alcohol, may I remind you.” He remarked with a grin.

_He had gone off to take a smoke. He had left Taeil alone to go with his friends. Taeil ran to Yuta’s arms and took a small bite from his pill. The night winds made him cold. Bad vibes were better than no vibes at all. _

“Do you want?”

Taeil blinked, once again brought to reality by Doyoung’s voice. He was a lost ship and Doyoung was the anchor that kept it from sailing into the unknown seas. “What?”

“A smoke.” He explained, a bittersweet smile as he took another drag and stared at the forest beneath their feet. “Why are you always asking ‘what’?”

Taeil sighed. His warm breath turned into fog. He hadn’t realized how cold he was, having walked there and kept the engine running. Sitting next to the dark lord himself, his core began to freeze, and had to rely on his grey hoodie more than he was originally counting on. “You confuse me, I guess.”

“Guess something is mutual between us.”

“A two way street to madness.”

That was a neutral chit-chat, sharp enough to deliver cuts to Taeil’s skin, but soft enough his heart didn’t tremble with the mere sight of him. Anything colder than the forest or Doyoung, would be the very relationship they both were in. Taeil could listen to the cracks of water turning into ice. How strange what a week could make to two people or what a single night meant.

_Taeil desperately grabbing on Hyuck. His friend assuring him it’d be okay. There was water. Taeil didn’t want water. He had to drink it. _

_“Doyoung will take you home” “Doyoung?!” “Yes, he and Jaehyun-“ “Jaehyun?” “Yes, they will get you home-“ “I don’t want to go home with them…” “Taeil. Just go.” _

_Jaehyun in the front seat driving from the forest to the city. Taeil trying desperately to only look at his condensed window. His hands trailing up and down Doyoung’s thigh. It wasn’t removed. He kept trailing his path to more dangerous areas and was always welcomed in. Things changed when they reached their first destination. _

The silence was something constant, compared to the speed of Taeil’s flashbacks. Doyoung continued distant, metaphorically and literally. His own heartbeat raised like drums before unveiling something extraordinary. “I’m sorry for what happened last time. I did things I’m really not proud of and I ended up asking of you more than I should because you owe me nothing and I feel really sorry if I ruined your night of fun.”

Doyoung put off his joint. “You know what you did wrong?”

“Yeah, how dumb would I be if I didn’t.” Taeil mumbled, avoiding Doyoung’s gaze.

The dark forest that stood beneath their hanging feet was starting to present itself as a much more interesting issue of thought. What kind of dark creatures could exist there? Taeil never asked, he was sure Taeyong and Johnny had never thought through what their parties in the forest could end like. They just assured the lights and the noise would scare the animals away. They had several parties there ever since. The biggest accidents would be the usual anywhere when you added young adults and drugs. The forest remained silent regardless them taking over their space. Taeil sometimes wondered if it was just making an elaborate plan to come back and reestablish its territory.

“I got confused. For a second I thought I was leading you to believe we were more.” His voice was almost dreamy. Taeil wondered if Doyoung had retraced their steps together. How all that entanglement started. He himself had. Thousands of times. Just the times he had thought of the week before would be equal to the many times there were reruns of Friends episodes.

“No, everything is crystal clear. I was drunk, clingy and needy. I fucked up real bad. I’m terribly sorry.”

He was already regretful of his actions when he had gotten home but he couldn’t go under another anxiety attack that day, so he drank a glass of water and went to bed. Taeil knew he was not excerpt from that mistake only due to drunkenness. A sentence Taeyong had told him a thousand times couldn’t stop going through Taeil’s head as he analyzed every single bit of a jerk he had been that night. “A drunk mind speaks a sober heart.” Was he in reality that awful drunk alter ego? Was he that egoist in regard to people’s feelings? It hurt him to see himself as that pitiful crying anxious mess that needed to be taken care of. He was the oldest of the group and yet he was taken care of by one of the youngest. How pathetic.

“It’s okay.” Doyoung breathed out. Taeil turned his head to look at him. Their eyes didn’t meet. Doyoung had his eyes to the endless forest.

“I really am-“

“Taeil, it’s fine.” Doyoung turned to his right and their eyes finally met. He held his breath, maintaining eye contact the most he could. He had almost forgotten how dark his eyes were, dark pools in which light would shine the brightest. Taeil started leaning in without barely noticing. It was unbearable to be next to Doyoung and not smell his skin or sense his warmth.

A great noise came from the bushes behind, startling them both. Taeil almost jumped up, but stayed in place. He knew the worst thing he could do was to move since there was a chance it was a wild animal. Without noticing, his hands went to Doyoung’s direction, placed relaxedly between them, on the grass. His warm thin hands held tight against Taeil’s. They looked at each other while patiently waiting for the thing in the woods to either go away or show their nature to them. Taeil’s heart started to beat rapidly. He held to Doyoung’s hand for his life. The sound of leaves moving suddenly stopped. The trees stopped moving. The calm before the storm. For a second Taeil couldn’t help but think he was in a sort of horror movie with Doyoung. They both set themselves apart from the party and went on to enjoy the dangers of a forbidden forest. He wondered if they would be the first victims of the villain or had the villain gotten to the party before. What would Doyoung feel if he died first?

Loud and apparently excruciating vomiting was heard the next seconds. They recognized Taeyong’s reassuring voice, while the other put all the alcohol out (most probably Johnny).

Taeil chuckled with relief, happy he wasn’t about to die in a cliff next to his friend-turned lover-turned stranger, and turned to look at Doyoung. Their hands were still tied together. He recoiled his hand as if it had touched fire, going through his hair with it, while avoiding Doyoung’s eyes. His hand stood between them. “Are they always like this?” He questioned, as a way to ignore what had just happened between them.

“Yes. It’s remarkable how you’ve only noticed now.”

“The power of alcohol.”

The disgusting sounds were slowly fading away. Taeyong was probably taking Johnny for a better place for him to get better. Taeil was immensely thankful for them leaving, considering nothing could make a chit chat moment more awkward than at the soundtrack of vomits and worried muffles.

Doyoung shrugged. “I guess. Or no one really cares when they are having too much fun.”

Slowly, the brown haired was starting to feel more comfortable. At least enough to start a conversation deeper than what they had previously been trying. “Why don’t you drink?”

“It’s complicated.”

“Oh, you’re so complicated…” Taeil tried holding his sarcastic smirk, but it was beyond him.

“Don’t think I miss the ironic remarks.” The other replied, raising his eyebrows in amusement. “I just don’t like losing control, that’s why. Why aren’t you drinking today?”

“I’m on antibiotics.” He answered automatically. It wasn’t a question he was unfamiliar with that particular night.

“So is Johnny.”

“Yeah and look where he is now.”

The conversation died down once again. The crickets were making the most wonderful lullaby and every so often Taeil would listen to owls. He started considering going back to the party. He was just as awkward there but at least the noise would keep his senses busy. On that quiet night, all he had were some casual forest sounds, which made him much more aware of Doyoung’s presence and movements. He hadn’t moved a lot, just some casual finger tapping on the grass and hands going through hair. Still, every centimeter change was detected by Taeil’s gaze and it was suffocating him little by little.

“Are you okay?” Doyoung asked, turning to stare at Taeil. It was still mere chit chat but better than nothing. He could never understand people who hated those meaningless conversations. They were much more reassuring than killer silences.

“Yeah, you?” Taeil turned to Doyoung, who frowned at the answer.

“You didn’t listen to my question. _Are you okay_?”

Taeil took a deep breath. He had been talking to Doyoung and felt his presence throughout the whole interaction, but apparently for a second, he had forgotten he was actually talking to Doyoung and his questions meant something. “No.”

The dark lord hummed. “Why did you answer you were okay before?”

“Because no one really cares, easy to pretend I’m doing great.”

“I care.” He stated, looking dead serious.

“Not around other people.” The answer slipped his mouth, bringing poison with it.

“I still care around other people.”

“You act differently. It hurts.”

Doyoung shrugged and looked back at the forest beneath their feet. “It will keep hurting if you ask from me more than I can give you.”

He felt like a child being scolded. Taeil was a misbehaving little boy who didn’t quite know his place. That was how Doyoung saw him without even trying to listen. “I just… It hurts talking to you in public when you’re a completely different person in private. Not that you aren’t nice, interesting and all that. I’ve always liked you before all this happened. But being alone with you…” Taeil took a short pause to breathe. Doyoung continued leaning towards the forest, but Taeil knew that, even if he acted distracted, he was paying careful attention to Taeil’s every word. “You’re breathtaking. I wish I could speak to you alone all the time, just talk about the most common things with you. I feel I can be myself around you and it hurts because I can’t be myself around most people or even around you when you’re surrounded by others.”

“If that’s true why did you push me away just now?” Doyoung questioned. If Taeil was on his right mind, he would have pointed out how dramatic it was saying he tried to push him away when he remained seated right next to him in all the places he could be in that damned party. To push Doyoung away was an art Taeil would love to master. No matter how upset, he seemed to always pull the dark haired, either with long gazes, trying to keep conversations or moving next to him when in social environments. He warned himself against the powers of darkness and shadows, but he felt for the dark prince whenever he spotted him and forgot all his previously set rules as an effect of that.

“I don’t want to ask from you more than you can give me.” He answered shyly, placing his hands on the grass he was sitting and distracting himself with it.

“I’m giving you this now. Going to repeat the question. Are you okay?”

Taeil held on the grass tightly while swinging his legs to nowhere. “No.”

“Why?”

“You want the complicated answer or the simple answer?”

Doyoung chuckled. “I’m complicated, as you pointed out, so…”

Taeil didn’t want to talk to Doyoung then. He needed to stop relying and expecting so much of him, he had noticed that ever since last party’s incident. Another reason for not wanting to tell him anything was that information was power and he didn’t want Doyoung to have that over him. Unfortunately, the dark lord was the only one who asked questions like that and would he open to listen. Even more than that, he asked the right questions and would follow Taeil’s trail of thought. Most people had trouble keeping with with Taeil’s thoughts on how soccer was a good point of analysis when identifying third world countries, imagine when he spoke two words of the crisis hidden in his unconscious.

“I feel like my mind and reality cannot dialogue within itself. I feel that’s the reason I rely on drinking so much, even if I’m not an alcoholic or anything like that. I go out and have parties with my friends. But there are weeks in which drinking is just what I can think about. My Fridays matter more than my Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, but Fridays are only a fraction of the week so I shouldn’t be living for only a fraction. And then comes what I imagine my life should be at this moment. I just feel like I dream in space and time and wake up in 2D. Nothing is as good as I’d like it to be, so when something really good comes along I get addicted and abuse it.” The last part of the sentence, he had the courage to take his eyes off the grass and look at Doyoung. He stared at Taeil patiently, waiting for whatever more he had to say. “And you, what’s up with you?”

“I’m a jerk.” He shrugged.

The older couldn’t help but roll his eyes. “You know you’re not a jerk, we’ve talked about that before.”

“But I am, Taeil. It’s okay. I know I am, I hate it but I can’t change, it’s what I do to survive. I have to always come first.”

Taeil held the urge to scold him for hiding behind excuses. Doyoung didn’t need that at such moment. He was already scolded at home and by his friends every so often. Taeil wouldn’t join them. “You help me a lot for someone who always has to be on top.”

“It’s different.”

“You think making yourself the villain makes things easier and so don’t take blame on your mistakes.”

Doyoung smiled victoriously. “This sounds like something a jerk would do.”

Coming back and forth in that same argument would lead to nowhere. Doyoung was too smart, he would beat any argument you had against his idea simply because he understood how people’s trail of thought worked and he would slaughter it by showing the paradoxes in the person’s mind. To convince him, it was important that he didn’t know what you were thinking.

“Who are you?”

“Me?” He looked shocked at such a question. Taeil remained silent. “I’m Doyoung.”

“That’s your name. Who are you?”

“What?” For the first time that night Doyoung showed some emotion besides his usual neutral expression. He looked borderline outraged due to a simple question. “Fine… I’m a law student.”

“That’s what you do. Who are you?”

“This is stupid-“

Taeil interrupted before he could talk any further. “Just answer my question.”

Doyoung shrugged and looked at the forest. He stopped to think of what he was being asked for the first time. Taeil knew he had given him a challenge. “I don’t know. I’m a very selfish person that likes to be on top... have a lonely, analyzing personality.” He answered, the most sincere he had been that encounter.

Taeil smiled kindly at him. “This is your personality-“

This time around, he was the one interrupted, by a Doyoung that has had enough of being challenged. “Shut up, who am I to you, Moon Taeil? Because honestly that’s the only question that matters tonight.” He felt bold enough to get closer to Taeil and the brown haired tried keeping his position, but even so winced.

“You’re someone I deeply admire-“ He tried being the most nonchalant possible, but was interrupted once again.

“Even though you shouldn’t.”

“And who are you to say who I should admire or not?” Taeil asked back, defiant enough to look Doyoung on the eyes and approach him.

“Someone you deeply admire.” He grinned with the irony, as if Taeil didn’t know what he would say.

“You want me to fall into a paradox.”

Doyoung frowned. “Explain.”

He had him on the palm of his hand, an easy smile couldn’t help but form on his lips. “You want me to stop looking up to you because I should trust your advice.”

“You’re falling in a paradox by not following my advice.” Doyoung bit back and Taeil’s smile dropped. It was impossible to win an eternal fight. The only results were to get tired.

“I should have followed the first advice you ever gave me.”

The fire in his eyes had burned down. Their darkness returned to be one of a calm sea at night. “I gave you tons of advice. That was the first you ever paid attention and willingly chose not to follow.”

Doyoung would always say he warned he was a jerk before they started their relationship but that was no fair warning, it was only a way he excerpted himself from guilt. If he knew how things would truly unfold he would have never confessed to Taeil months before. “And here we are. With me trying to prove you’re not a jerk and you not listening to me.”

“I’ll listen.” The younger said nothing more, his patient eyes waiting.

Taeil breathed in, ignoring the burn his gaze caused on his face. “Who are you?”

The look of outrage on Doyoung’s pale face was indescribable. “This is stupid, Taeil-“

The older shushed his lips the fastest he could so he would finish his trail of thought. His lips were still soft, even in that cold night, but they were awfully dry. Imagine if he could help him with that…Taeil took out his hand before his thoughts would lead him on any further. “This is not always true, but just listen. You have so many friends. So many people that trust you. So many people you have helped and stayed by their side. So. I believe that’s who you are.”

That time, Doyoung was ready with a comeback. “A lot of people put up a façade. You know I do. That’s why you hate me when I’m around people.”

Taeil’s eyes traveled to the forest behind Doyoung for mere seconds, trying to formulate his feelings the best he could. “I don’t hate you when you’re around people, I’d just… much rather be with you alone because we can have the type of conversations that are very rarely matched.”

“I like these conversations too, you know. More than I lead you to believe.” Taeil felt his cheeks getting warmer and his heart lightly flutter. He wished Doyoung didn’t have this effect on him anymore, but only due to those he still insisted on interacting with the younger.

“I know.” Taeil didn’t. He had learned from Doyoung himself it was best to always act like you knew things. It was a big clash when truthful and passionate Taeil had met rational and diplomatic Doyoung, but he liked to think both had learned a great deal from each other ever since. “You’re not a jerk.”

The younger sighed. “You’re asking too much of the world when you put reality and imagination in that parallel.”

He didn’t say anything Taeil hadn’t known already. He only first knew it after starting his relationship with Doyoung and slowly figuring out how reality was much different than his dream world. Falling for a friend wasn’t easy. It didn’t mean they would date, marry and live happily ever after. It depended on multiple factors, such as both friends being available, if the intensity of the feeling was the same, if they wanted the same thing. It even depended on compatibility regarding romantic matters. Taeil had found out being compatible as friends didn’t always result in compatibility in romantic communication or affection. He was being constantly let down and he had no reason to expect much. He was too smart to be getting that hurt. Doyoung was no Prince Charming coming for the rescue, he was a person of flesh and bone, who also made mistakes and had his own problems. “Gotta work on that. Expectations are a bitch.”

“Indeed.” Doyoung agreed and his breath turned into a fog for the first time. Perhaps they had turned before, but this time the fog surrounded him in an aura before disappearing and that caught Taeil’s eyes. His heart was completely at peace, next to Doyoung in that forest. Maybe if that happened a week before he would be dying for Doyoung’s touch. Who knows, if it was before _everything_ happened they would be talking about university. Doyoung would complain about how law school was slowly killing him and Taeil would know it was the truth. The younger would drool over Taeil’s stories about his classes on literature, paying attention to the smallest of complaints, perhaps wishing he was also studying in that dead end field. Taeil knew that if he actually did he would complain about missing the opportunity of going to law school and having a stable life. It marveled Taeil how they were different in the smallest of things.

“Thanks for actually listening to me. I need that. Or else I feel like I’m crazy…”

Doyoung’s hand started to gently caress Taeil’s hair. The touch was sudden and the older thought a bug might have landed on his hair, but his hand started properly moving and the small caress sent chills all over Taeil’s body. “I worry about you a lot. I don’t want you feeling like that.”

“Don’t lose sleep for me, honestly. You don’t have to worry.”

“I know that, but I do. I like you, Taeil.” It should be illegal for Doyoung to whisper those words considering they were completely alone, centimeters away from each other and his hands started to trail from Taeil’s hair to his nape. His hands, cold at the moment, would give Taeil thrills all over his body. If he kept doing that, Taeil would melt all over his hands. He wanted to scream at Doyoung that it wasn’t fair to flirt with him like that. He wanted Doyoung to stop luring him in when they should stop. The touch came to a halt and Doyoung’s expression looked more worried than flirty. “How are you feeling right now?”

Taeil didn’t know he was holding his breath, but came to a notice when warm fog hit his face. “Like I’m fishing for the moon on an artificial sea.”

Doyoung smiled sarcastically. Taeil rather liked his sarcastic smiles. It showed him that he had an insight few people had. His skeptical and rather ironic view towards things was one of the things that had most attracted Taeil as a friend. “Poetic.”

“Indeed. It’s based on a poem.”

“Which one?”

Taeil always quoted poems. He would do it not only to boost his intelligence, though he had recently taken notice how he did it as a way to assure himself of his intellect, but also because those were the references he had and they spilled out of his lips as normal as a chuckle or sneaky commentary would to any other person. Doyoung was one of the people who caught on to that. More than that he was the only one who always asked which poem was it. The over-the-top almost orgasmic experience was Doyoung quoting one of the poems after Taeil had blown him for the first time. If his mouth wasn’t the one full of cum, Taeil would have said he was the one who was sucked.

“Ismaila. It’s about an insane woman who was locked in a tower in the ocean, watching the moon in the sky and the sea. She fell in love with the moon and went to meet it on the sea.” As he said that, Taeil took a look at the moon. It was slightly crescent, that’s what his scarce knowledge of astronomy would tell. They usually meant new things and he remembered his mom would usually like to cut her hair in that moon phase specifically. What an unusual woman. It explained why Taeil was the way he was.

Doyoung winced. “Sounds sad.”

“Fishing for the moon in an artificial sea indeed is.”

“Expectations are a bitch, especially if put together with imagination.”

An ironic smile showed on Taeil’s lips. “A pity I have both.”

“You’re not drinking just because of antibiotics, right?”

Doyoung always knew. Somehow he knew. He sometimes assumed too much, got some guesses wrong, but at least he tried figuring Taeil out. Other times, such as these, he would make the right question at just the right moment and Taeil would completely let go of whatever fear he was holding himself to. If Doyoung already knew it, what good came in hiding?

“No… I couldn’t be drunk near you again. Couldn’t put you through that again.” He confessed, turning his face from the moon to Doyoung. He finally saw the moonlight on his dark eyes. That was his moon in an artificial sea.

Doyoung merely shrugged. “It happens if you lose control sometimes.”

“Yeah, but no one should pay for it.”

“I trust you’ve grown out of it.” That comment was followed by a light chuckle. Taeil would have to eventually grow out of his guilt too, step by step.

“I needed to have this conversation with you first, I guess.”

Doyoung arched his eyebrow, looking surprised. “So, this was planned?”

“Not at all, I was running from you. But sometimes what we want is not what we need, right?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Like us.”

Taeil hated how monosyllabic Doyoung would be from time to time. Among friends he was the master talker, social bee of the hive, one everyone would have their eyes at. Alone he would go into a much more introspective persona, that Taeil would rather like as he felt he was putting less of a scene. However, the lack of word would leave him confused from time to time. “What do you mean?”

“I want you, but I need you as a friend.”

The ultimate reason for the conversation, the issue they were traveling around but never landing: the status of their relationship. Not just status, that was perhaps the wrong word to put on it, as they never intended anything to be official. It would always be something between the two of them. It was decided the night Doyoung first confessed after smoking more than he usually had. Taeil couldn’t deal with their friends being all over something he himself couldn’t figure out. It was better kept a secret. They weren’t marrying after all. It was a simple attraction that slowly turned into much more complicated relationship between expectations and realities. They both knew it couldn’t go on at last.

It still hurt Taeil though. Seeing Doyoung so close and to know he would go back to being his friend. No more private conversations like these, no more stolen kisses in bathroom stalls or flirty text messages while on a coffee shop with their other friends. He never intended to fall in love and he hadn’t. He would never be so stupid or reckless to fall for Doyoung when he knew how careless he was for other’s feelings. Nonetheless, he liked him, the feel of his lips, the thrill of his hands on his body, his analyzing perspective of the world. All that would go away, as it should.

“I guess the same goes for me… We would never work. We are the same.”

A half smile creeped on Doyoung’s kips. “I said that last week.”

“I know.”

“It’s a weird concept to grasp since… you’re morally good, you apologize as soon as you see you’ve made a mistake, you hold yourself to big expectations when other feelings are the matter and I’m anything but that. But it’s also the truth.”

That must have been the most Taeil had heard from Doyoung that night and yet he felt like it was so little. He could listen to Doyoung’s analysis for days and nights, even if he disagreed with most of them. “I’m not morally good. Last week…”

Doyoung interrupted him before he could go on. “One slip and you want to be crucified.”

Taeil shook his head, not willing to let Doyoung get his way with the argument yet. “Okay, but you’re still not the polar opposite of it. You’ve always made things clear with me and asked me about my feelings and… you just want to make me feel good. That’s not the behavior of a jerk.”

“I’ve fucked up with a lot of people before, wouldn’t want to do that to my friend…”

He had heard that before. The night Taeil finally decided to give Doyoung a chance, the younger had warned him he was a jerk. He had also said that he would try to treat Taeil differently. He didn’t want to be the cause of Taeil’s stress or anxiety or one of the many hookups he had that distanced themselves away. Taeil believed him, like he always would. Doyoung proved time and time again Taeil’s expectations on him were too high. It was not only the mistake of a jerk, but of a dreamer, lost in the artificial sea.

“Or perhaps you’ve changed…” Taeil commented, observing Doyoung’s expression attentively. “But yeah, guess that’s why I feel like you listen to me and I like talking to you. Perhaps I’m falling in love with myself.”

Doyoung chuckled. “You’re not falling in love with me.”

Taeil smiled along. “I promised I wouldn’t.”

“I wanted to promise that too. Another two way street for madness.”

Doyoung always warned Taeil since the beginning that he couldn’t predict what was to come. Perhaps they would fall in love sweetly or things would get more complicated. Taeil was sure he wasn’t going to fall in love with Doyoung, the younger never let him get close enough to his heart for him to do so. Still, he felt he was more at danger for taking that fall than he was two months ago. He shouldn’t have been so naive.

The older looked down from his dark eyes to his lips. Doyoung’s lips weren’t perfect, they were obviously dry to the cold, but never had Taeil wanted to taste something so much in his life. He slowly leaned closer, to whisper: “Can I kiss you?”

Doyoung shook his head negatively, but leaned towards Taeil as well. His cold breath was close enough to warm Taeil’s nose. “We can’t here.”

It would be laughable if not pitiful. Even after having deep conversations over their relationship and sharing information that would unlikely ever be said again, Doyoung would still think about someone seeing them. It was okay for people to listen to Taeil’s biggest fears, but dare they see a kiss between two friends and everything was over.

Usually he would bicker about it. Either be passive aggressive or roll his eyes. However, that night it meant a little more than it would usually mean. “A goodbye kiss. Don’t make me beg.”

Doyoung merely nodded and took the last centimeter that separated them. Their lips met and they were as dehydrated as Taeil had imagined. It didn’t lack in want, however. Last kisses were supposed to be melancholic and sweet, but Doyoung had a hunger in him he hardly ever demonstrated. That was how Taeil knew how much invested the other truly was. He would never deny Taeil kisses and, if the older said they should continue their relationship, he would probably just roll with it. He was right when he said he didn’t care for anyone and that sometimes included himself.

Taeil was the one who had to get out of the kiss, pushing Doyoung’s chest and gasping for breath. He distanced himself from Doyoung, till only their hands were touching. Taeil couldn’t stare at him any more. If he did, he would give up everything he had built in himself that last week and give in to desire. He shouldn’t. Therefore, he stared at the forest under them, with its creatures awaiting them to leave, and at the moon, his unchaseable dream. How distant of the real world was Moon Taeil at that moment.

“Wanna head back to that hurricane?” Doyoung asked, offering Taeil his other hand.

Taeil looked at it, before gladly accepting. “Gotta get more used to you around people.”

If he couldn’t fish for the moon in the sea any longer, he would at least enjoy its beautiful reflection.

**Author's Note:**

> i don’t consider this a sad ending... sometimes things don’t work that well in the real world and it’s okay 
> 
> i write nct social media aus and taeil centric fics 
> 
> [twt](https://twitter.com/thegreatmoon94)
> 
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/thegreatmoon94)
> 
> [carrd](https://gardenofwords.carrd.co/)
> 
>   
xx  
sol


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